Harry Potter
by Kiara Renee
Summary: A parody of the Harry Potter books. Rated PG for drug reference read and review, please!!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: all characters belong to J.K. Rowling. They are not mine, I do not own them, and I do not pretend to own them. MoldyFart belongs to her, though she calls him a different name.  
  
On number four, privet drive, there lived a boy. He was completely normal except for the fact that he was very strange. You see, he was a wizard who had to live with evil "Muggles" because he has no other relatives. A very dark wizard, Lord MoldyFart, had killed his parents many years before. Harry had somehow survived this encounter with no more than a scar on his forehead that he used to get girls to talk to him.  
  
Every year, he went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he had at least three major fights, sometimes daily, with a jealous hottie named Draco Malfoy. (What were his parents thinking?) Harry's best friends were an annoying know-it-all named Hermione Granger, and a red- haired wannabe named Ron Weasly. Through luck or bribery, they all managed to be in the same "house," Gryffindor. Dumbledore, principal of Hogwarts, had a strange obsession with making sure that 1, Harry Potter knew what a wonderful kid he was, and 2, awarding the House Cup to Gryffindor, even when Slytherin had 200 more points than them.  
  
The first year Harry went to Hogwarts, MoldyFart managed to share the body of Harry's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Quirrel. At the end of the book, Harry has to fight MoldyFart to save the honor of his dead parents. Somehow he defeats MoldyFart without even moving because Quirrel's skin burns every time he touches Harry. Eventually, Harry faints, Quirrel dies, and MoldyFart sneaks off into a bar to get drunk and tell about how he was this close to killing the damn kid. Of course, everyone is very happy about everything that Harry did for the school, and give him enough chocolate to sustain a 40-foot crocodile for 100 years. Harry eats it all in one night.  
  
Because Harry and Hermione were found roaming the castle when they were supposed to be in bed, Gryffindor is behind by 160 points. (Of course, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are never even in the running. They don't seem to care.) Dumbledore immediately gives out random points to Harry, Hermione, and the wall clock until Gryffindor is 5 points ahead of Slytherin. Everyone cheers, and Harry goes home happy. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: see first chapter  
  
The next year, Harry gets locked in his bedroom, and gets rescued by a "flying car," despite the fact that he swears he's never taken drugs. Inside are his friends the Weasleys, and they take Harry back to their already overly cramped house. By using some sort of miracle drug, the Weasleys end up on Diagon Ally. Harry ends upon another street, one filled with dark magic. After being rescued by a giant who has a beard but not a face, Hagrid, Harry meets up with the Weasleys.  
  
They are in a bookshop where a conceited author who supposedly is very good- looking, Gilderoy Lockhart, is giving a speech. Mrs. Weasley, conveniently forgetting that she's married, shoves others aside to get the chance to gaze into Lockhart's eyes. Then Harry poses for the newspaper with Lockhart, gets a bunch of free books and leaves. During the year, Lockhart, who supposedly has a TON of experience, teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts very incompetently.  
  
Harry finds a blank diary in the middle of the year, and decides to write in it. The diary writes back that it is Tom Mardalo Frildy, and Harry can call him Mardy for short. They chat, Harry telling him all of his secrets, and Mardy saying what Hogwarts was like way back when.  
  
After several students get petrified and Harry gets blamed (they forgot that he was a hero), Harry decides that he must find the REAL evildoer. Hermione, though she is petrified, manages to help them anyway. They pry a note from her hands that tells them that the villain is a basilisk.  
  
Harry once again has to face MoldyFart, when Mardy announces that his name, when rearranged, spells "I am Lord MoldyFart." "Don't you have anything better to do with your time than to make up stupid anagrams??" Harry asked. "You have better things to worry about than what I do with my time," snarled MoldyFart. "You have to worry about your LIFE!" While he cackled insanely, his giant basilisk bit Harry. Right before Harry died, a phoenix flew in and healed him, then gave him a hat from which Harry pulled out a sword. He killed the basilisk, then stabbed the diary until Mardy was completely dead. "Well," said Harry, holding out his hand to the phoenix for high five, then lowering it when he remembered that phoenixes don't have hands, "we make a pretty good team." "WE?" wondered the phoenix, "I could have taken the damn snake!! He should be on his knees thanking me, instead of saying that he did most of the work!" The phoenix then flew Harry and Ron back to the regular building, cursing all the way. Of course, Hermione thanked Harry profusely, and Gryffindor won the House Cup. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: see first chapter  
  
Third book: The summer before his third year at Hogwarts, an evil killer is on the loose. The killer-Sirius Black-has a blind barber and hasn't bought new clothes in years. Although all evidence suggests that Sirius has been on Lord MoldyFart's side, and has been trying to kill Harry for years, we find out that he is really a very good guy, and it was all the fault of Ron's rat, Scabbers.  
  
At the end of the book, Snape, one of Harry's teachers, tries to kill Harry, but gets knocked out by Sirius. Harry almost gets to live with Sirius, but then remembers that the cops are after him, and there is no way to prove his innocence.  
  
Hermione, meanwhile, has a very interesting situation. She could not decide which classes not to take, so she takes them all, of course. She can be in three classes at once with her time-control device. Honestly, couldn't she have thought of a better use for a thing like that than to go to more classes?? Oh well, her loss. At the very end of the story, Hermione finally uses the time-control device for something more interesting. She has to save Hagrid's favorite Hippogriff, Buckbeak, from being killed by a team of sadistic freaks under the rule of Lucius Malfoy, the father of Draco-in case you couldn't tell. Finally, at the end, Sirius Black turns into a giant dog and runs off into the hills. Then Gryffindor wins the House Cup and everyone is joyous. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: see first chapter  
  
The summer before Harry went to Hogwarts for his fourth year, he had a very interesting dream. He dreamt he was a muggle with a weird name who was thought to have killed a bunch of people. At the end of the dream, Lord MoldyFart murdered the muggle, and Harry woke up, humiliated that he had wet the bed again. His scar started to hurt again, so he got up and stared at it in the mirror, as a giant rabid parrot flew into his bedroom. Harry sent the parrot away before it killed him and read the note it had brought. The note said that his villainous godfather, Sirius Black, was alive and well, although he was supposed to be dead. Harry happily showed the note to his uncle and aunt to convince them to let him stay at Ron's house. At Hogwarts that year, there was to be a contest. Three schools were involved, including Hogwarts. Only one student at each school could compete, and the student had to be at least 17 years old. Using his power, Harry entered and managed to be chosen, along with another student from Hogwarts. It was about then that he had a major fight with Ron. Ron was jealous, so Harry, trying to be nice, threw a medal at him. He did this because he believed in that slow brain of his that if Ron got a scar like him, then Ron would become popular too. It didn't work, mostly because Ron's scar was not the right shape.  
  
In the first round of the contest, he had to fight a dragon. He got stuck with the hardest one (of course) but managed to win anyway, using a spell far too complex for his age. Everyone congratulated him on defeating the dragon. Even Ron became his friend again, saying that it was not Harry's fault that he was superior to every other being in the universe. Harry agreed with him immediately, smiling smugly. "This contest is in the bag!" he told his friends. "Of course it is, hottie," said Hermione, cozying up to him. "Uh-huh, ya, oh look! There's the girl I love-Cho!" Hermione scowled angrily at him. Some guys could just not take a hint!  
  
The next round involved being able to swim underwater without use of air tanks. Harry also had to rescue Ron from mer-people. Two people changed into other animals, one person enclosed herself in a bubble, and Harry ate some "magical" weeds that an elf gave to him. After taking the weeds, Harry jumped into a cauldron and rescued a stick that he thought was Ron. Even so, he got high marks for trying.  
  
During the year, there was a ball that Harry was required to attend. Ron came with him to show how good a friend he was. When they got there, they saw a completely hot girl who they didn't recognize at first. "Hey," whispered Harry, "That's Hermione." "Whoa," said Ron. "She's a girl!" When they realized that Hermione wasn't going to dance with either one of them, Ron and Harry sat down for the rest of the dance, and only got up to leave.  
  
The last round of the contest was a maze. Everyone had to use spells to get through and conquer evil beasts, including Professor McGonagall. Finally, with Harry and Cedric-the other student from Hogwarts-in the lead, Harry had to take on a giant spider. Cedric came to his rescue, and both touched the golden trophy at the end of the race at the same time. Immediately, they were both whisked away to Lord MoldyFart. Cedric was killed instantly when MoldyFart used the same spell that he used to kill Harry's parents. Then Harry had to fight for his life against MoldyFart. Ghosts came out of his wand (gosh, the mind-expanding drugs) to help him. At last, MoldyFart was defeated, and Gryffindor won the House Cup. Then Harry went home, sad that Cedric died but happy that he-Harry-had won everything. 


End file.
